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Can I get a Receipt?

[ 3 Comments ] Posted by Terry Klytar on 11.27.07 under Holidays, Terry's Posts, Van Shopping, services

There are a lot of annoying mother fuckers out there.

Why fight the crowd?

I tried going to a mall once in December of ‘02 and after waiting about 9 minutes for some dude who looked like he just had a splendid time blowing some 11 year old to move his car from the only open spot in all of Minnesota, I wanted to just take that bright and shinny fuckers tinsel and tie him to the back of his mini-van and drag him around the parking lot and spread his Christmas joy. There is a better way to shop. If you happen to be an American like me who doesn’t like half naked fags spraying cologne on you when you pass them by or you just like your dairy in the form of cheese and not banana and crème flavored hydrogenated deer shit pellets served with a spork, I recommend acquiring the necessary items for the gift-giving season without going to a mall or any form of strip without the word club. It’s called Van shopping. And for those of you who just had your first Red Dog or Newport recently; just experimented with the “is my dick going to fit in THAT hole?” game; felt pride instead of fear, regret or remorse for slapping your wife in the face; hosted a BBQ at your neighbors while he was on vacation or facilitated your first mass dine and ditch on a group of Strookers (strippers who will fuck you, and do/did) then I will point you in the right direction for some of the higher-end items you will have no problem buying out of an anonymous unmarked van this holiday season as this may be your first time around the block.

very approachable two-person van. Typical to lotions and addresses of rapists.

Products

Ill take the red rectangular one!

Drugs- Smoke it, snort it, shoot it, swallow it and wrap it in newspaper and gift it. Injections into your vein- present it with a candy cane. You suppose a suppository would make an awkward gift? Don’t be such an ass and present it with class. Theres another van out there for the glove and lube, just don’t wrap that syringe in the same box as the sledding tube. Put the X back in X-mas and make her jolly with some molly. This is the stereotype van product were talking here and you can simply do some stocking stuffers or take care of the whole family. If the drug exists, there is a van somewhere selling.

Don’t be alarmed- if your unsure what to look for in the driver, match the most extreme long-term symptoms of the drug(s) being offered to any symptoms the driver might be displaying. (i.e. this man appears to have small testicles and a large head, therefore continuing to purchase this “gym candy” is safe.)

Be alarmed- (i.e. this man appears to have small testicles and a large head, therefore continuing to purchase this stolen bathtub full of crystal meth and blow will probably get me into trouble. Kindly wave and proceed to next van.

Obvious Drug Van Identification- white/unmarked. Bonus notes: Rusting along the rims indicates high distance trafficking and a sure sign of the best local option for the drug being sought after.

in-van-tory

Alcohol- I get and give all of my beer and liquor from a reputable local van hot spot. If you have ever shared a brewski with me, your one step closer to being a seasoned van shopper than you even knew. Areas to target- parking lots adjacent to liquor stores in towns of less than 1,000 people and no major roads. Van Description- white/unmarked with visible evidence of liquor store label being sanded down and sprayed over with un-matching color in a case of the van driver having “used to work there, stole the van, and now has an inside source in the same store van was stolen from to provide stolen liquor for van inventory.”

Perhaps a Van Trap? Good fucking call.

Traps to look for- Newer unmarked refrigerated vans in busy highly populated liquor store parking lots with satellite communication devices are and will always be federal alcohol van sting operations. A refrigerated van is nice for a cold beer, but that’s the fucking point.

Dont be fooled, they are not supposed to look like this

Weapons/Ammo-
Look for bullet holes on the van protruding from the inside and don’t get shot. Its best that you visit a weapons and ammo van to equip yourself with weapons and ammo before ever approaching a weapons and ammo van, but that’s really fucked up, so I suggest visiting the Drug van, followed by the alcohol van followed by the stolen asian goods van for a fortune cookie and praying to fuck you say the right thing when you approach these typically all black, multiple passenger dealers in arms.

Sound- the quality of the sound need not matter, because any purchase relating to sound (speakers, amps, bose knock-offs, headphones etc.) falls in the category of re-vanning* Areas to target: Chain thrift-store parking lot exits and southern states frontage roads. Van Description: Black/unmarked, driver w/ passenger.

*Do not buy any sound producing items unless you have your own van. You will be re-selling such items from your own van immediately after purchase. The selling of sound from a van is comparable to a pyramid business scheme. Undoubtedly, the purchase of sound will fail to work in every way as all these products are made in Mexico by Mexicans of the lowest possible level of intelligence who were probably at one time working in the vans that sold meth(and trialed one too many times) But if you play your cards right and use the pay 900% less than asking price negotiation tactic, then you will be equipped to re-sell such product at a profit to provide you with better financial resources to van-shop

Van made and filled with Asians.

The Grab Bag The van is an extreme Japanese custom vehicle. The manufacturing and distribution are all contained in the van, as is a typical employee base of 9-15 asian workers. So don’t be surprised to see an asian kereokee bar suddenly come to life after one of these van crew shows up an deposits themselves onto the scene after a hard days work. The products range from disappearing schezwan sauce to double use condoms and the prices are next to nothing. You can try to wheel and deal with these non-english speaking vasian workers, but your best bet is to approach one of these flashy rides at a long stop light, throw a few coins through the passenger window and be ready to receive whatever they have to offer.

Candy No, just kidding. These are molesters

At least the CANDY tasted good.

Services

Sex in a van

Sex/Sexual Services – A lot of these same services are offered on craig’s list (see CLH) but when your looking for a mobile rig to get off in, no better place than getting extended in the back of a van.

Areas to avoid- poorly maintained or unpaved roads…Blow jobs on farm roads are not as Home and Country as you think they are, I have physical proof of one such encounter.

A Special 2 for 1- The Perfect Couples Romance- People in malls buying crap are so caught up in making the holidays about buying products, they forget there are a lot services that suffice as great gifts. One such service is what I call Transex. (fucking and trucking, but in a van) Not only do you get to fuck, but your gonna get somewhere. I Fucked my way to Miami, Florida and have been blown to Tuscaloosa by way of Transex and you can sure as hell do it to. It’s travel with entertainment without worrying about the gas and if you find the right van, they just may have what your girlfriend is looking for, for that special holiday gift AND vacation.

My Favorite- The Vangina. Can be flagged for a lift and a quickie. Trolls around cave museum gift shops.

Youll know a hit-man-van when you see one

Hit-man- I cant tell you how helpful a quick drive to most AA meeting spots and Union hall parking lots have helped get my girlfriends to shut up about their now dead ex- boyfriends.

General Warnings- Don’t disclose this specific van service to anyone you plan on just boning a few times and hitting the road.

E-bay Listing Assistance- Who the fuck gives a fucking shit. But I did come across one once near a neighborhood sexual predators identification meeting.

Explanations

Driver (alone) – Driver is selling a less controversial or more dependable product that typically will not result in aggressive confrontation from buyer when buyer gets home and realizes product doesn’t work or is not as described and gets back in his car to hunt down van at spot of transaction. For the seasoned van shopper such as myself, the solo driver can also be a marketing ploy to suggest the quality of product or service is high when in fact the driver should be driving with faulty-product-passenger-reinforcement.

Would you trust these fucks?

Driver (with passenger) A. Driver is selling a controversial or faulty product that typically will result in aggressive confrontation from buyer-to-driver when buyer gets home and realizes product doesn’t work or is not as described and gets back in his car to hunt down van and dealer at or near spot of transaction. The extra passenger in this case is for reinforcement purposes and is armed. B. Passenger(s) is the service such as a van-sex operation, voyeur-van, fuck ‘n suck etc.

3 Additional Tips for Van Shopping

1. Don’t get in the van unless your are going to fuck or get blown by something or be fucked by something in it. Pleasure and travel purposes combined allow you to enter a van.

solid approach

2.Approach vans from inside a car, preferably at a slow moving speed. Converse and negotiate between van driver or passenger of van from within respective vehicles.

3. Yellow vans don’t sell pussy, they sell cardboard box openers.

HAPPY VAN SHOPPING!

What did i say?! No Refrigerators!

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Craigs List Hooked ‘er

[ 5 Comments ] Posted by Terry Klytar on 08.23.07 under Terry's Posts, craigs list, services

The pride of Wautoma is both a Supper Club called Silvercryst and their unspoken abundance of Craigs List Hookers . Also shown is the classic escort rendezvous point in wamsutter while the nickname for Craigs List Hookers in Council Bluffs happens to be a “Council Bluff”

You can go to any major cities craigs list hub, such as Wamsutter, Wyoming, Council Bluffs, Iowa or Wautoma, Wisconsin and one type of posting will be as consistently abundant in every town about as much as the number of hotties you could target and nail at any truck stop arcade or the number of 30 year old pc gamer journalist virgins in downtown San Fran… what im saying is youll find ALOT. I will get to the posts im referring to but I would first like to clear up something about Dicky’s last post about putting down the weed- First off, coming from a guy who probably thinks my bong is a sex toy and that rubbers are just funny tasting baloons, its hard to take anything serious from a guy who knows as much about the real stuff in life as a captive new born hienna with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. I will get to the point and make it simple- Smoke em if you got em. Now let me smoke this J before I move a head…

Okay, Craigs List Hookers are on the prowl and are beautiful. They are full of life and carry an unrivaled level of self confidence and positive energy in themselves that transfers to anything that penetrates one. Aside from their sheer abundance in every significant city, my sexual organ has about as many fresh opportunities on any one craigs list hooker as my car has working windows (3, as of the March ‘05 incident I will refer to as “the rock and a piece of shit scratch off loto vendor in downtown Little Rock” ). If your lucky, as my broken window gets fixed and presents another opportunity to roll it down on a fast stretch of highway and breath a little, you may come across a CLH (craigs list hooker) with more than “3 working windows.” So, that brings up a double positive. We not only have a variety of places to find CLHs but we have a variety of places to put it in any one of them. So Have A PARTY- Invite your friends over and split the bill. Another benefit if you find the girl with the right benefits package that allows for a co-dependent

GO On A VACATION- Ever been to the top of the Eiffel tower with your good friend and given him a good high five? CLH. Ever been to Asia and fortified yourself between the depths of the Great Walls of China ?(Beverly Kim in Sarasota, look her up and tell her The Klyt sent you)

Animal Magnetism at Play

Ill give you a true story…So im all the over the place up in Bismarck, ND

http://www.bismarck.org/

and cant control my natural and exhilarating urges to want to inject myself right into the culture of the great Northern Plains. I pull into a La Quinta (and later pull out of a Ms Quinta) and use their free lobby wi fi and locate the nearest bank of CLHs. (Happens to be a hefty selection right here in Bismark). I call one up that i do a little read up on and she is over to La Quinta sharing some vanilla diet coke and ronrico rum and before we know it weve invented 13 new positions just a notch over the 3 hour mark and then suddenly find ourselves taking notes on the home shopping network for a nifty collection of anti streaking glass solvents we both happen to be oddly and simialry in love with. Your wondering now, did i buy the solvents- I sure did, one case for me and one for my beautiful mistress of the cool midnight air of southern downtown bismarck north dakota on that harmonious November 29th evening.

my memory allowed me to draw what i could remember “Ms Bismarck” on some La Quinta note paper shortly after intercourse while i was taking a crap in the hotel lobby.

There is no climactic ending here, because you only design your own ending when you want it to be right there in sight, and Terry Klytar has a few more cities hes never been to and a couple more CLHs he needs to check in with.

whats that you say? I can find HER on Craigs List?!
So before you excuse yourself to go on your own trip to Pump Town and Depth Row, take a look at some of the current postings from ladies(for the most part) from around our great nation that are waiting for your sleuthing. For Clarification, I have referred to a common group of people that include individuals and social themes such as escorts, call girls, sex dates, pussy eating sessionsers, drink and fucks, movie and analers, bi-curiousosas, bust-downs, shallow suckers, casual encounters w/ sex, fuck me nows, not for romance-just for fuckings, horny hotties, sluts for sale, girl looking for punishers etc as hookers in this post. As long as sex is included and youll be sticking it in a women, regardless of what or who else is in the room, with or without a price tag- than we shall leave things simple and all agree to understand that hooker is a tag for it all. But please dont confuse a craigs list hooker with just a plain date or missed connection or long-term relationship or just for drinks, dinner and a movie, friendship or anyone “seeking” anything beyond sinking the sub. This is short term investing, were not in ‘er for the long haul.

Fuck and Truck

-Female trucker looking for Male with CDL, Class A “air brakes” and Hazmat cert to take over the wheel and let me get on your handle with some interstate oral on lengthy spud route from Idaho to Wisco. Will go 50/50 on all interstate tolls.

Arcade Operator looking for “Space Invader”

Pump some credit into my machines, $20 gets you 4 plays, $100 gets you access to the whole arcade.

2-4 players welcome

Titties in your faces!!! FMF

looking for the M to our FMF threesome. 2 sets of big ass titties and a trampoline await. $500 for the night, sorry no sleep overs. Email Char and Coco Butter.

Gentle Sexer not for this Met-rx Flexer

Professional female body builder with great tan looking to build on nothing more than 3 minutes of me pounding you until your dick falls off.

Tea Bagger looking for some celestial seasoning

We will consume an assortment of entirely organic fruits, nuts and vegetables to ensure that any bodily fluids that exit the body during intercourse, fellatio and cunnilingus will taste of purely natural and non-chemical/artificial based substances. Payment and drop off for my services can be made in front of Whole Foods

Lonely Off-shore Oil Refiner looking for a skilled male 69′er.

Cum with helicopter, leave with a slick dick. No need to grease these oil workers palms, will work down the shaft for good company and a few hours off the rig.

Ugly Balding Fat Chick with terminal illness needs a gun that shoots blanks

Locked and Loaded not for me, but if you have no self esteem, are blind or find yourself in Study Butte, Texas and wondered what screwing 50 pound flaps and folds feels like in 110 degree heat and 95% humidity, look up blimp rentals in the yellow pages and ask for Dawn.