The Dictar » Pigeons

Bigfoot Was Eaten by Genetically Modified Pigeons!!

[ Post Comment ] Posted by Dicky Relifonic on 08.21.08 under Pigeons

With the recent news that last weeks bigfoot claims turned out to be a hoax, it is easy for most people to accept. After all, time after time bigfoot claims are debunked. But there are many facts that the press wants to hide from you to keep the Bigfoot myth in tact. Let me tell this straight, my friends (hahahahhaha, LOLZ!! I said “my friends” like McCain!!! hahahaha, ROTFL!!!), the Bigfoot body was not a rubber suit. It was a true BIGFOOT, but THE CARCASS GOT EATEN BY GENETICALLY MODIFIED PIGEONS. Do I need to repeat myself???? Ok, sure, I will. It was a true BIGFOOT, but THE CARCASS GOT EATEN BY GENETICALLY MODIFIED PIGEONS. This is why they had to tell everyone it was a hoax. They had the body all set to show the world, but when the Pigeons ate the carcass, they had nothing to show the world. Obviously no one would believe them if they said it was eaten, they would of been ridiculed ever more. So they did what any moral Bigfoot hunter would do, they claimed hoax.

My dear friend Cal Greenly works at the Hickens Genetics Institute is upstate Georgia where top secret experiments were being performed on a select number of pigeons.

Cal Greenly of the Hickens Genetic Institute

Cal informed me that he and some of his colleagues were experimenting with gene knockouts, in which a Pigeon is engineered to lack the activity of one or more genes. This allowed Cal and his colleagues to analyze the defects caused by this, and were hoping it would be useful in unearthing the function of the pigeon’s testosterone gene. Some of Cal’s Colleagues warned him against doing this. They saw it as intolerable meddling with biological states that have naturally evolved over long periods of time, while others were concerned about the limitations of modern science to fully comprehend all of the potential negative ramifications of genetic manipulation.

Under normal circumstances, this is quite the normal procedure. But with the lack of prokaryotic cells Pigeons possess, their testosterone levels sky rocketed!! Before they knew it they had 20 jacked up Pigeons flying around their lab, each weighting around 30 pounds and posessing strange bat ears with pig noses!!! Viles broke, chemicals spilled and the sole window in the lab was broke, freeing these Rambo Pigeons to the world.

Mutated Pigeon

Note the Bat ears and Pig Nose

Directly after escaping the genetics lab, these Rabid Pigeons went on a feeding frenzy consuming Racoons, Squirrels, Coyote, Mountain Lions, Black Bears, Deer, Dogs, Cats, Mikes Hard Lemonade, Fritos, Doritos, Funyuns, Combos, Red Bull, Starbucks Mocca Lattes, Bud Light, Beef Jerky, Bubble Gum, Cheese Curds, French Fries, Sushi, Filet Mignon and of course Tacos. This only fueled their cause in what turned out to be their ultimate goal. FEASTING ON THE BEAST. That is right, they found the undisclosed location Victims Matthew Whitton and Rick Dyer were keeping their treasured Carcass.

bigfoot

The carcass, before it was consumed by genetically modified pigeons.

Victims

Matthew Whitton and Rick Dyer, victims of the Pigeons

Once they found the Bigfoot, the Pigeons didn’t even require it to be thawed. They consumed the giant beast raw in under 30 seconds RIGHT IN FRONT OF MATTHEW AND RICK’S EYES.

I hope I have been able to shed some light on this issue and hopefully someday the truth with be told. It is a sad world when people like Matt and Rick have to publicly humiliated and called liars all because the truth is too hard to digest. Now these poor gentlemen, or should I say these poor Martyrs, freedom fighters, heroes have to go into hiding.

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New Species Discovered

[ 1 Comment ] Posted by Dicky Relifonic on 09.19.07 under Dicky's Posts, Pigeons, Research

So I went to Las Vegas last spring for a Pigeon Convention and to also conduct some research on my own. While I was there, I went to a spring training baseball game between the Chicago Cubs and the Los Angeles Dodgers to study the habits of Pigeons at professional sporting events. To my suprise, the most interesting thing I observed was not a pigeon, but another type of species. I do not have a name for this rare breed yet, but it does contain some human elements and also seems to be able to observe the baseball game and have emotional reactions to it. Athough I was unable to to decipher if this beast was able to communicate in any known human languages, it did let out many yells and other strange noises mainly in reaction to the baseball game. I have provided a few pictures here and a brief analysis.

As you can see, this rare breed has great fluffy hair, sweet shades and a glorious stache. He or She also seems to have some type of camouflage mechanism similar to a chameleon. It is able to blend in well with the Cubs crowd. I was curious to know if it would of changed into Doogers gear if I were to of brought it into a section of Doogers fans. Although I did have some tools for catching pigeons, I would not of been able to cage this animal and transport it. It would of required a cage used for a Grizzly Bear or some sort of giant rodent. Onward.

I wanted to show this picture as an example of the creature’s emotional reaction to the baseball game. As you can see, its body movements are a direct reaction to the excitement on the baseball field. A beast this rare must be controlled by a higher being.

Look at this thing!! It is having a good time, socializing!! I welcome any feedback if you can tell me how this beast was able to generate rapport among the humans. And like I said, it wasn’t speaking any known human language. Keep that in mind.

Well, it is an animal. And animals sweat. I guess I don’t have any comment on this. Discuss.

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Cruel Treatment

[ 1 Comment ] Posted by Dicky Relifonic on 07.30.07 under Dicky's Posts, Pigeons

So I came across some very disturbing news today. It seems the Hollywood elite feel they have the right to to tell Pigeons they can’t have babies.

Link: Hollywood Pigeons to be Put on the Pill

They have developed a birth control pill designed for Pigeons and are going to put it in bird food in new rooftop feeders. They say they can’t handle all the pigeon poop. Well then ya know what? Do what I did and take a bath in pigeon shit. That way, whenever you get shat on, you will feel you are being cleansed. Thanks to Spud for the news tip.