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Daren Hamscotty

[ Post Comment ] Posted by Dicky Relifonic on 06.06.08 under Dicky's Posts

I got the following email from Daren Hamscotty the other day. I thought I would share it with everyone. He is a friend of Klytar’s. He is rough around the edges, but once you get to know him he starts to warm up.

Yo Bro,

Its Daren Hamscotty, just droppin you a few lines about herbal supplements. Did you know the earth is a magical place of healing? With a little devotion, sacrifice and some general know-how, my top dog Dr. Blu came up with one hell-of-a one a day herbal power pack. He calls it “Tempered Beast” and it comes in packs of 5, 13, 27 and 4,000. Its just one dissolving capsule a day and you’ll feel like you want to fuck anything that walks in front of you and snap the heads off of anything that don’t agree with your desires. I fucked a roaming butterfly yesterday and then rammed a 18inch sub down my girls “whoo hoo” (her names Tisha)because she was playing with her hair all funny- AND I DIDN’T LIKE IT.

Anywho, if you want to feel like a king and have the power to go with it, look me up online at IBLUABEAST.com

Gotta Run,

D Ham

Ps- I lost my right pinkie finger last night when I told my friend to slam his car door on it because I thought it wouldn’t hurt.

PSS- IT DIDN’T

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You Sick Fuck

[ 1 Comment ] Posted by Dicky Relifonic on 03.19.08 under Dicky's Posts

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69 Yer Mother

[ Post Comment ] Posted by Dicky Relifonic on 10.20.07 under Dicky's Posts, Music

I hesitate posting this out of principle with its filthy mantra, but its my friend’s band and I want to support him.

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You’re Not My True Pumpkin

[ 1 Comment ] Posted by Dicky Relifonic on 10.16.07 under Dicky's Posts, Fruit, Holidays

You turned on me pumpkin. It is not even Halloween yet and my heart feels like an inflated Target Logo.

When I saw you at Darcy’s Pumpkin and Fruit stand you were so pure and magical. You were perfectly rounded and not a dash of illegitimate handling tainted your orange plump body. I can’t even tell you what thoughts raced through my head when I saw your flawlessly arched stem. Darcy said you were the best of the batch and nothing from what I saw told me otherwise. I bought you for 3 dollars including the dollar tip I gave Darcy. I didn’t tip her because of her keen eye for perfect pumpkins but rather for her amazing bangs.

That is another story all together.

When I took you home I placed you on my windowsill next to my Kelly Clarkson photo collage. There you stood for 4 days gallantly gleaming your astute confidence. You looked like a medieval knight on a trusty steed ready to ride into the wind and rescue a chamber maid/serving wench named Matilda trapped in a castle tower. Never mind the moat, your steed would fly across it with vigor.

Towards the 5th day, your attitude started to change. I had just gotten back from Sam’s Club and purchased a variety of different pumpkin carving utensils. As I was unloading my new tools, I noticed your boastful aplomb was gone. No longer did you stand tall and proud. Your Queen Latifa Plumpness was now a Nicole Richie gaunt.

Taken aback, I struck you down out of anger and fear. As your remains lay scattered across the ground bloodied and battered, I thought of what you were supposed to be. Darcy said pumpkins should last through Halloween. You lasted 5 days (I guess I had a small contribution to your early death). No longer will I set my hopes high in the pursuit for a perfect pumpkin. Oh deceiving pumpkin from Darcy’s Pumpkin and Fruit Stand, you’re not my true pumpkin.

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Jean Claude Van Damme is a Dancing Machine

[ Post Comment ] Posted by Dicky Relifonic on 10.14.07 under Celebrities, Dicky's Posts

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New Species Discovered

[ 1 Comment ] Posted by Dicky Relifonic on 09.19.07 under Dicky's Posts, Pigeons, Research

So I went to Las Vegas last spring for a Pigeon Convention and to also conduct some research on my own. While I was there, I went to a spring training baseball game between the Chicago Cubs and the Los Angeles Dodgers to study the habits of Pigeons at professional sporting events. To my suprise, the most interesting thing I observed was not a pigeon, but another type of species. I do not have a name for this rare breed yet, but it does contain some human elements and also seems to be able to observe the baseball game and have emotional reactions to it. Athough I was unable to to decipher if this beast was able to communicate in any known human languages, it did let out many yells and other strange noises mainly in reaction to the baseball game. I have provided a few pictures here and a brief analysis.

As you can see, this rare breed has great fluffy hair, sweet shades and a glorious stache. He or She also seems to have some type of camouflage mechanism similar to a chameleon. It is able to blend in well with the Cubs crowd. I was curious to know if it would of changed into Doogers gear if I were to of brought it into a section of Doogers fans. Although I did have some tools for catching pigeons, I would not of been able to cage this animal and transport it. It would of required a cage used for a Grizzly Bear or some sort of giant rodent. Onward.

I wanted to show this picture as an example of the creature’s emotional reaction to the baseball game. As you can see, its body movements are a direct reaction to the excitement on the baseball field. A beast this rare must be controlled by a higher being.

Look at this thing!! It is having a good time, socializing!! I welcome any feedback if you can tell me how this beast was able to generate rapport among the humans. And like I said, it wasn’t speaking any known human language. Keep that in mind.

Well, it is an animal. And animals sweat. I guess I don’t have any comment on this. Discuss.

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Yanni and the Art of Fire Dancing

[ 1 Comment ] Posted by Dicky Relifonic on 09.13.07 under Dicky's Posts, Fire Dancing, Music

This is all you need…. You pull a jeep into an uninhabited area that can accommodate a fire. The Jeep must be equipped with a CD player and speakers that can be put on full volume. Also, the area you are occupying must have glorious trees that shed tree branches. Obviously these trees must be older that 30 years old. They must be trees that shed branches from the sky. Ok good, you are there. Now it is time to go collect the wood. Make sure you wear pants and apply a generous dose of insect repellent. In these types of environments, ticks love to hop on humans and dig in. I had a buddy who got a tick on his ass and we had to burn it off with a match. Not a fun thing. No one wants Lime Disease. Anyways. You are wearing pants and have repellent on. It is probably night time (fire dance, duh) so you should have a flashlight to assist you in finding solid wood. Just collect a good amount. There should be plenty on the ground. Ok, we have the wood now. Put it in a pile. Step one is done. It is on to step two. Step two involves building a fire. We are not going to give direct instructions on how to build a fire here. Everyone has different ways. “Dude, stack them like waffles!!!.” “No, you need more space between each twig in order to let the oxygen permeate the fire!!” Seriously, shut the fuck up. Just take the huge pile of wood you collected in the magical forest and put it in a fucking pile. Make sure you have enough space around the pile for the dancing. The jeep should be a good 10 feet away from the diameter of the fire. This allows enough room for dancing and fire jumps and still allows the Yanni music to be audible to the dancers.

Alright, we have the wood set up and the Jeep in a great position. It is time to choose the correct Yanni CD to put on for the first dance. What’s that you say? “Live at the Acropolis”?? FUCK NO. You start this off with CHASING SHADOWS. That is on “Ultimate Yanni”. Not sure what original album it is on.

We are not going to get into the nitty gritty details of Yanni’s whole catalog. I will just give the basics here. So all you are really going to need is “In My Time,” “Reflections of Passion” “Dare to Dream” “Ethnicity” “If I could Tell You”, “In Celebration of Life” and “Ultimate Yanni.”

This gives you a good solid base along with CHASING SHADOWS off of the greatest hits album. If anybody recommends “Live at the Acropolis” ban him or her from the Fire Dance. Seriously. They don’t deserve it.

Alrighty, the CD should be chosen from a CD case that has the Dave Matthews and Tim Reynolds live CD, Blues Traveler (The one with the cat), Tracy Chapman(Give me one reason to stay here) and a couple of Jim Croce greatest hits CDs. Bad Bad Leroy Brown oh yea!! NO IPODS. Now turn the Jeep on so the headlights shine on the stick pile. It is almost time to light the fire. First, the dancers should pick out a couple of great sticks they found in the woods to use as their dancing props. Check your pile and you should find them. These don’t need to be lit while you dance, but must be sturdy to provide proper dance technique. If you want, you can use whatever so each side of the stick is lit when you dance, but it is not necessary. Now, just light the fire!! You should know that you need at least some newspaper to get it going or some tall grass. And you obviously have a source of fire (matches, lighter, etc). Alrighty!! The fire is burning!! Time to pop in the CD. CHASING SHADOWS is now playing. Start off slow… Feel those electronic keyboards pulsate through your stick. When the first bass line starts hitting, start picking it up a little. When that chord progression hits in, ROCK IT OUT.

If you want to simulate the keyboard part and need to drop your stick for a bit, do it. You will need both hands to simulate playing the keys, so drop the stick. But pick it up when it is about to get going again. Listen, you are dancing to YANNI around a fire in the middle of nowhere. Nothing should stop you unless it is the full moon saying “HEY BUDDY, THIS THIS IS WAAAAY TOO INTENSE!!” I doubt it though. The full moon is part of a Yanni Fire Dance. You respect the moon and the moon respects you. You respect Yanni and Yanni respects the Moon. The Moon respects Yanni and in return Yanni respects you. It is called a circle. Just like the circle around the fire you just fucking Yanni danced around. AMEN.

It’s not over yet silly. You have the Whole Yanni Catalog to choose from. It is up to the leader to decide the next Yanni track. You could continue with “Ultimate Yanni” or seriously switch it up. The only guidelines are:

1. You start with “CHASING SHADOWS.”
2. No “Live at the Acropolis.”
3. Make sure your car is running when you have the headlights on so you don’t kill your cars batteries.

In terms of dancing, just feel it. Many people do jumps over the fire, but it is not necessary. I prefer doing basic stick pulses combined with jumps over the fire. If you are going to attempt jumps over the fire, make sure you get a good feel for the fire before you attempt a jump. You are not going to get seriously burned unless you land in the fire, but there is potential for error and you don’t want to have to explain to your mom why you have that huge band-aid on your elbow. Other techniques you could attempt are staff twirling, poi spinning, mix-tribal, semi-herbal, circus contact dancing, PYROTEAZEING, chiptonic mole surfing, fire fingers, staff wicking, etc.

Yanni Fire Dancing differs greatly from traditional Polynesian fire dancing. The most basic difference is you don’t need fire on the stick you are dancing with. You can if you want, but as long as you have a campfire burning; you are good to go. Advanced Yanni Fire Dancers do incorporate fire on their sticks, but again, it is not necessary.

Not much else. When you are done, make sure the fire is put out. Clean up anything else and respect the forest you traveled to. I hope to see a lot more Yanni Fire Dancers out there in the future. PM me if you need anymore tips.

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Top That

[ 2 Comments ] Posted by Dicky Relifonic on 09.08.07 under Dicky's Posts, Music, Rap

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The Golden Stache - Guess Who?

[ 9 Comments ] Posted by Dicky Relifonic on 08.28.07 under Dicky's Posts, Mustaches, Wealth

The golden boy of stache’s, he bailed out Citigroup in the 90’s and as been known to ride with Chevron. Using only the juices from natural fruits and berries to fine tune his creation, “Golden Stache” has created the 21 century’s first Billion Dollar Stache. Can you tell me the name of this sweet prince? Free passes to the Coney Island Pigeon World Fair for the first correct response.

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CLICK CLACK!

[ 1 Comment ] Posted by Dicky Relifonic on 08.21.07 under Dicky's Posts, Spud

Whoaaaaaa. Maybe disregard my last two posts. Goat gave me these weird pebble things. I ate them and then ended up in a south loop editing room creating Click Clack!!!