The Dictar » 2007 » November

Can I get a Receipt?

[ 3 Comments ] Posted by Terry Klytar on 11.27.07 under Holidays, Terry's Posts, Van Shopping, services

There are a lot of annoying mother fuckers out there.

Why fight the crowd?

I tried going to a mall once in December of ‘02 and after waiting about 9 minutes for some dude who looked like he just had a splendid time blowing some 11 year old to move his car from the only open spot in all of Minnesota, I wanted to just take that bright and shinny fuckers tinsel and tie him to the back of his mini-van and drag him around the parking lot and spread his Christmas joy. There is a better way to shop. If you happen to be an American like me who doesn’t like half naked fags spraying cologne on you when you pass them by or you just like your dairy in the form of cheese and not banana and crème flavored hydrogenated deer shit pellets served with a spork, I recommend acquiring the necessary items for the gift-giving season without going to a mall or any form of strip without the word club. It’s called Van shopping. And for those of you who just had your first Red Dog or Newport recently; just experimented with the “is my dick going to fit in THAT hole?” game; felt pride instead of fear, regret or remorse for slapping your wife in the face; hosted a BBQ at your neighbors while he was on vacation or facilitated your first mass dine and ditch on a group of Strookers (strippers who will fuck you, and do/did) then I will point you in the right direction for some of the higher-end items you will have no problem buying out of an anonymous unmarked van this holiday season as this may be your first time around the block.

very approachable two-person van. Typical to lotions and addresses of rapists.

Products

Ill take the red rectangular one!

Drugs- Smoke it, snort it, shoot it, swallow it and wrap it in newspaper and gift it. Injections into your vein- present it with a candy cane. You suppose a suppository would make an awkward gift? Don’t be such an ass and present it with class. Theres another van out there for the glove and lube, just don’t wrap that syringe in the same box as the sledding tube. Put the X back in X-mas and make her jolly with some molly. This is the stereotype van product were talking here and you can simply do some stocking stuffers or take care of the whole family. If the drug exists, there is a van somewhere selling.

Don’t be alarmed- if your unsure what to look for in the driver, match the most extreme long-term symptoms of the drug(s) being offered to any symptoms the driver might be displaying. (i.e. this man appears to have small testicles and a large head, therefore continuing to purchase this “gym candy” is safe.)

Be alarmed- (i.e. this man appears to have small testicles and a large head, therefore continuing to purchase this stolen bathtub full of crystal meth and blow will probably get me into trouble. Kindly wave and proceed to next van.

Obvious Drug Van Identification- white/unmarked. Bonus notes: Rusting along the rims indicates high distance trafficking and a sure sign of the best local option for the drug being sought after.

in-van-tory

Alcohol- I get and give all of my beer and liquor from a reputable local van hot spot. If you have ever shared a brewski with me, your one step closer to being a seasoned van shopper than you even knew. Areas to target- parking lots adjacent to liquor stores in towns of less than 1,000 people and no major roads. Van Description- white/unmarked with visible evidence of liquor store label being sanded down and sprayed over with un-matching color in a case of the van driver having “used to work there, stole the van, and now has an inside source in the same store van was stolen from to provide stolen liquor for van inventory.”

Perhaps a Van Trap? Good fucking call.

Traps to look for- Newer unmarked refrigerated vans in busy highly populated liquor store parking lots with satellite communication devices are and will always be federal alcohol van sting operations. A refrigerated van is nice for a cold beer, but that’s the fucking point.

Dont be fooled, they are not supposed to look like this

Weapons/Ammo-
Look for bullet holes on the van protruding from the inside and don’t get shot. Its best that you visit a weapons and ammo van to equip yourself with weapons and ammo before ever approaching a weapons and ammo van, but that’s really fucked up, so I suggest visiting the Drug van, followed by the alcohol van followed by the stolen asian goods van for a fortune cookie and praying to fuck you say the right thing when you approach these typically all black, multiple passenger dealers in arms.

Sound- the quality of the sound need not matter, because any purchase relating to sound (speakers, amps, bose knock-offs, headphones etc.) falls in the category of re-vanning* Areas to target: Chain thrift-store parking lot exits and southern states frontage roads. Van Description: Black/unmarked, driver w/ passenger.

*Do not buy any sound producing items unless you have your own van. You will be re-selling such items from your own van immediately after purchase. The selling of sound from a van is comparable to a pyramid business scheme. Undoubtedly, the purchase of sound will fail to work in every way as all these products are made in Mexico by Mexicans of the lowest possible level of intelligence who were probably at one time working in the vans that sold meth(and trialed one too many times) But if you play your cards right and use the pay 900% less than asking price negotiation tactic, then you will be equipped to re-sell such product at a profit to provide you with better financial resources to van-shop

Van made and filled with Asians.

The Grab Bag The van is an extreme Japanese custom vehicle. The manufacturing and distribution are all contained in the van, as is a typical employee base of 9-15 asian workers. So don’t be surprised to see an asian kereokee bar suddenly come to life after one of these van crew shows up an deposits themselves onto the scene after a hard days work. The products range from disappearing schezwan sauce to double use condoms and the prices are next to nothing. You can try to wheel and deal with these non-english speaking vasian workers, but your best bet is to approach one of these flashy rides at a long stop light, throw a few coins through the passenger window and be ready to receive whatever they have to offer.

Candy No, just kidding. These are molesters

At least the CANDY tasted good.

Services

Sex in a van

Sex/Sexual Services – A lot of these same services are offered on craig’s list (see CLH) but when your looking for a mobile rig to get off in, no better place than getting extended in the back of a van.

Areas to avoid- poorly maintained or unpaved roads…Blow jobs on farm roads are not as Home and Country as you think they are, I have physical proof of one such encounter.

A Special 2 for 1- The Perfect Couples Romance- People in malls buying crap are so caught up in making the holidays about buying products, they forget there are a lot services that suffice as great gifts. One such service is what I call Transex. (fucking and trucking, but in a van) Not only do you get to fuck, but your gonna get somewhere. I Fucked my way to Miami, Florida and have been blown to Tuscaloosa by way of Transex and you can sure as hell do it to. It’s travel with entertainment without worrying about the gas and if you find the right van, they just may have what your girlfriend is looking for, for that special holiday gift AND vacation.

My Favorite- The Vangina. Can be flagged for a lift and a quickie. Trolls around cave museum gift shops.

Youll know a hit-man-van when you see one

Hit-man- I cant tell you how helpful a quick drive to most AA meeting spots and Union hall parking lots have helped get my girlfriends to shut up about their now dead ex- boyfriends.

General Warnings- Don’t disclose this specific van service to anyone you plan on just boning a few times and hitting the road.

E-bay Listing Assistance- Who the fuck gives a fucking shit. But I did come across one once near a neighborhood sexual predators identification meeting.

Explanations

Driver (alone) – Driver is selling a less controversial or more dependable product that typically will not result in aggressive confrontation from buyer when buyer gets home and realizes product doesn’t work or is not as described and gets back in his car to hunt down van at spot of transaction. For the seasoned van shopper such as myself, the solo driver can also be a marketing ploy to suggest the quality of product or service is high when in fact the driver should be driving with faulty-product-passenger-reinforcement.

Would you trust these fucks?

Driver (with passenger) A. Driver is selling a controversial or faulty product that typically will result in aggressive confrontation from buyer-to-driver when buyer gets home and realizes product doesn’t work or is not as described and gets back in his car to hunt down van and dealer at or near spot of transaction. The extra passenger in this case is for reinforcement purposes and is armed. B. Passenger(s) is the service such as a van-sex operation, voyeur-van, fuck ‘n suck etc.

3 Additional Tips for Van Shopping

1. Don’t get in the van unless your are going to fuck or get blown by something or be fucked by something in it. Pleasure and travel purposes combined allow you to enter a van.

solid approach

2.Approach vans from inside a car, preferably at a slow moving speed. Converse and negotiate between van driver or passenger of van from within respective vehicles.

3. Yellow vans don’t sell pussy, they sell cardboard box openers.