Tark Malookmen
[ Post Comment ] Posted by Dicky Relifonic on 10.17.08 under Uncategorized
Terry sent me an email about a couple of his friends. I thought I would share it.
Tark Malookmen:
Nothing like a man with some hairy arms and a good sense of humor. Got
those patches of fur right up and down the outside of the arm around
the bicep, and he tells a good joke, now and again. He once called an
ambulance for his wife and reported that she had lost her looks, he
had a knack for the ugly ones. good old Tart Mulookmen, the hairy arm
jokester.
Sham Weatherstone:
Sham Weatherstone, reads the bible to his grand kids and makes honey
in the back yard for his disabled pet rat. A simple man, he dont get
his kicks of regular guy stuff. Won an award at the Milwaukee county
fair for wearing a beard of bees, yep…a god damm bee beard. Youd
think his wife would of been mad, but he aint got no wife, hes gay.
The funny thing is, his significant other hates bees but loves honey.
How about that kanoodling bee bearded bible buddy butt pumpin Sham
Weatherstone.
GaryGrandiossa:
Cleaning pools and playing magic while fisting quarters into time
crisis II was about all he could take before he took the northbound
train back to the end of the line. That fist fucking, shit shoveling,
role playing guru Gary Grandiossa. Only guy in town who can juggle
flame torches while reciting the points of vulnerability of all the
original gathering members in pig latin while driving his testerosa
with his feat. Gary Grandiossa got his testerosa while flame juggling
torches fell on his crotch but werent supposed’ta.
Bigfoot Was Eaten by Genetically Modified Pigeons!!
[ Post Comment ] Posted by Dicky Relifonic on 08.21.08 under Pigeons
With the recent news that last weeks bigfoot claims turned out to be a hoax, it is easy for most people to accept. After all, time after time bigfoot claims are debunked. But there are many facts that the press wants to hide from you to keep the Bigfoot myth in tact. Let me tell this straight, my friends (hahahahhaha, LOLZ!! I said “my friends” like McCain!!! hahahaha, ROTFL!!!), the Bigfoot body was not a rubber suit. It was a true BIGFOOT, but THE CARCASS GOT EATEN BY GENETICALLY MODIFIED PIGEONS. Do I need to repeat myself???? Ok, sure, I will. It was a true BIGFOOT, but THE CARCASS GOT EATEN BY GENETICALLY MODIFIED PIGEONS. This is why they had to tell everyone it was a hoax. They had the body all set to show the world, but when the Pigeons ate the carcass, they had nothing to show the world. Obviously no one would believe them if they said it was eaten, they would of been ridiculed ever more. So they did what any moral Bigfoot hunter would do, they claimed hoax.
My dear friend Cal Greenly works at the Hickens Genetics Institute is upstate Georgia where top secret experiments were being performed on a select number of pigeons.
Cal Greenly of the Hickens Genetic Institute
Cal informed me that he and some of his colleagues were experimenting with gene knockouts, in which a Pigeon is engineered to lack the activity of one or more genes. This allowed Cal and his colleagues to analyze the defects caused by this, and were hoping it would be useful in unearthing the function of the pigeon’s testosterone gene. Some of Cal’s Colleagues warned him against doing this. They saw it as intolerable meddling with biological states that have naturally evolved over long periods of time, while others were concerned about the limitations of modern science to fully comprehend all of the potential negative ramifications of genetic manipulation.
Under normal circumstances, this is quite the normal procedure. But with the lack of prokaryotic cells Pigeons possess, their testosterone levels sky rocketed!! Before they knew it they had 20 jacked up Pigeons flying around their lab, each weighting around 30 pounds and posessing strange bat ears with pig noses!!! Viles broke, chemicals spilled and the sole window in the lab was broke, freeing these Rambo Pigeons to the world.
Note the Bat ears and Pig Nose
Directly after escaping the genetics lab, these Rabid Pigeons went on a feeding frenzy consuming Racoons, Squirrels, Coyote, Mountain Lions, Black Bears, Deer, Dogs, Cats, Mikes Hard Lemonade, Fritos, Doritos, Funyuns, Combos, Red Bull, Starbucks Mocca Lattes, Bud Light, Beef Jerky, Bubble Gum, Cheese Curds, French Fries, Sushi, Filet Mignon and of course Tacos. This only fueled their cause in what turned out to be their ultimate goal. FEASTING ON THE BEAST. That is right, they found the undisclosed location Victims Matthew Whitton and Rick Dyer were keeping their treasured Carcass.
The carcass, before it was consumed by genetically modified pigeons.
Matthew Whitton and Rick Dyer, victims of the Pigeons
Once they found the Bigfoot, the Pigeons didn’t even require it to be thawed. They consumed the giant beast raw in under 30 seconds RIGHT IN FRONT OF MATTHEW AND RICK’S EYES.
I hope I have been able to shed some light on this issue and hopefully someday the truth with be told. It is a sad world when people like Matt and Rick have to publicly humiliated and called liars all because the truth is too hard to digest. Now these poor gentlemen, or should I say these poor Martyrs, freedom fighters, heroes have to go into hiding.
Dig this! | Add to Reddit | Add to Del.icio.us | Add to StumbleuponBotched Botany: Local Man with No Culinary or Horticulture Experience Fails to Grow Unique Plant
[ 3 Comments ] Posted by Terry Klytar on 06.23.08 under Culinary Horticulture, Terry's Posts, Uncategorized
Many American families have turned to hybrid automobiles to cut down on surging gas costs. Others have had to relocate or postpone summer vacations, look for employment closer to home or rely on carpooling or public transportation. In some way or another, a great majority of Americans have had to make adjustments to how they go about their lives as the rising price of fuel continues to offer no mercy. For Leroy D’Jackson it meant making a full blown attempt at growing what he could no longer afford to drive to get…chicken wings.
A native resident of the small hard-working industrial community of
“ I’d be driving some 20 long miles each way to get me some wings, sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. I eat a lot of chicken wings, but I cant afford no gas to get me my wings. If it aint barbeque then its got to be buffalo sauce and if it aint buffalo sauce then its got to be barbeque sauce.”
A palate only tolerant of barbeque or buffalo styled wings from a select number of area restaurants presented Mr D’Jackson with a rather confined set of growing criterion to which he claims was a great advantage in the early stages of planning his chicken wing plant.
“Since I know what kind of wings I want my plant to grow, I send my brother Bodeen off to fetch me a few dozen wings of barbeque and buffalo sauce from Fat Chubby’s and I walked around over to Tru-Value and got me some plant seeds. Before I buried the wings I microwaved them to get them real hot and then put some plant seeds into the chicken wing. I buried them real good in my front yard.”
Mr D’Jackson patiently cared for his “seedlings” almost weekly, splitting time between his search for employment. Neighbors in the area added Leroy could often be seen out in the front yard spraying the ground with what appeared to be a homemade formula of barbeque and buffalo sauces from an old windex bottle.
After several weeks Mr D’Jackson still found himself reluctantly making the 20+ mile trek to one of his wing spots as results to his chicken wing plant project started hinting at signs of lackluster production. As a man with a solid grasp on ethics and differentiating business and personal expenses, Mr D’Jackson’s trips to “get me some more wings” steadily began to replace the drives to “get me some more wings for my chicken wing plant”. It seemed Leroy D’Jackson was prepared to say goodbye to his chicken wing plant ranch.
On a return trip out to the home this past weekend I had a chance to catch up with the one-time culinary horticulturist.
Perhaps the abnormally dry spring weather was to blame for the 0% yield success rate?
“ Go fuck yo’self.”
Dig this! | Add to Reddit | Add to Del.icio.us | Add to StumbleuponFor Baby Dropped on Head, it Luckily has “Happened Before”
[ 1 Comment ] Posted by Terry Klytar on 06.09.08 under Pizza, Terry's Posts
As I watched the hoards of Town and Country mini-vans, Cadillacs and other old-balls cars carry several local groups of consistently over-aging seniors into their desired dinning hot spots, it felt like any other Sunday night, at 430pm, in this particular part of the country.
Right in the middle of this longstanding chain restaurant’s single dining room was a loud, obnoxious extended family of Mexicans, all casually exercising their own ability to be ass-holishly annoying to any non-related Hut patrons. The mother and father sat quietly as if tending to an explosive litter of Canadian geese that all seemed to grow up rather abruptly and at different intervals, with probably an assumed fatal lose here and there along the way. In a moment of heroics one of the many in a strong outing of high school girl Hut employees carefully wedged the bill for this family’s event of the month between several cups of drained beverages and a concoction of pizza grease, garlic sauce, mound of leftover bread-sticks and pizza remains that 3-4 of the Mexican boys seemed to enjoy putting together.
“Thank God they are leaving, “ I whispered to myself as the bill settled away from the girl Hut employees hand that understood our misery of dinning with an absurdly large and rowdy extended family of Mexicans. But either by force of evil gravity or complete carelessness for the less senior members at the table, I witnessed first by sound then by sight the dropping of an infant to the floor.
At first, the 6 month or so old infant didn’t seem to care or notice the sudden positional change from the parallel positioning atop the chair to the perpendicular angle of the head meeting the floor, sort of like he had been through this before. I was waiting for the delayed tantrum, but it really did end up being nothing more than a sparkler in the daytime. Little did I know experience really was to be credited for such poise and control.
Confusion then broke out as many of the patrons did not seem to understand the poorly worded Spanish phrases the mother was capable of coming up with at short notice after witnessing her baby fall right onto the traditional fast-food 1980’s style multiple brown colored floor tile (traditional of McDonalds bathrooms and the area surrounding former Wendy’s buffets) Her distress screams could be categorized something like shrieking high pitched song lyrics you might hear on a Spanish version of a scary Halloween sounds tape.
“Holy shit!,” the teen manager Tammy mumbled as she cocked her head back towards the scene while dishing out a piece of stuffed crust to my plate.
“What the Fuck” I witnessed a senior citizen sitting in a 10-person booth word to himself.
“Hes ok, hes ok, this has happened before,” the assumed father noted to both his family and all the stranger Hut patrons now completely glued to the cranial region of this little Mexican baby.
Oh.
And like that, there it was…the reassurance that this has all fortunately happened before.
Daren Hamscotty
[ Post Comment ] Posted by Dicky Relifonic on 06.06.08 under Dicky's Posts
I got the following email from Daren Hamscotty the other day. I thought I would share it with everyone. He is a friend of Klytar’s. He is rough around the edges, but once you get to know him he starts to warm up.
Yo Bro,
Its Daren Hamscotty, just droppin you a few lines about herbal supplements. Did you know the earth is a magical place of healing? With a little devotion, sacrifice and some general know-how, my top dog Dr. Blu came up with one hell-of-a one a day herbal power pack. He calls it “Tempered Beast” and it comes in packs of 5, 13, 27 and 4,000. Its just one dissolving capsule a day and you’ll feel like you want to fuck anything that walks in front of you and snap the heads off of anything that don’t agree with your desires. I fucked a roaming butterfly yesterday and then rammed a 18inch sub down my girls “whoo hoo” (her names Tisha)because she was playing with her hair all funny- AND I DIDN’T LIKE IT.
Anywho, if you want to feel like a king and have the power to go with it, look me up online at IBLUABEAST.com
Gotta Run,
D Ham
Ps- I lost my right pinkie finger last night when I told my friend to slam his car door on it because I thought it wouldn’t hurt.
PSS- IT DIDN’T
Dig this! | Add to Reddit | Add to Del.icio.us | Add to StumbleuponYou Sick Fuck
[ 1 Comment ] Posted by Dicky Relifonic on 03.19.08 under Dicky's Posts
Dig this! | Add to Reddit | Add to Del.icio.us | Add to Stumbleuponphphhwwwwffffiiffffwwweeeeehhhyyyy aaahhh
[ Post Comment ] Posted by Terry Klytar on 02.12.08 under Newports, Terry's Posts
Well, “alone time” was not what i really had in mind.
*
*
Is the pumpkin gay now too?
*
*
“I cant believe i intially told you i didnt want to spend the whole day in the back of your uncles pickup truck with a bunch of watermelons all over my nuts. What other spherical fruit/driving combinations could we do?”
*
*
“I bet the news that i contracted Hepatitis from their maid and gave it to both of them will get rid of those retarded gasping noises their making right now. Shit, my boner is going to hit this tube akwardly, isnt it.”
*
*
…So, is it the finger in her ass or this stupid fucking bunny hill thats making her scream?? Oh shit, im sorry Brenda, that was supposed to be a shocker just for Kelly, but i didnt realize your assholes were in such close proximity to eachother…
*
*
“It was a good competitive match Gregory, I do concur, but I do feel, and this is just me, that our opposition has a slight edge in their continual altering of the size of the weekly game ball provided. ”
*
*
The three openly agreed that killing her before setting her on fire helped reduce those awkward facial expressions the camera most certainly would have picked up on her face should she have been kept alive through the burning process.
Dig this! | Add to Reddit | Add to Del.icio.us | Add to StumbleuponThis is an Ass Sip. Ass Sips Dont Get Songs
[ Post Comment ] Posted by Terry Klytar on 11.30.07 under Drinking, Music, Terry's Posts
99 bottles of beer on the wall 99 bottles of beer
take one down and pass it around
but you didnt go to Container Store to build your custom shelving so as you carefully removed the “99th” bottle of beer, the weakly bracketed wood shelving collapsed and with it came all 98 remaining bottles of beer that were on such wall, leaving you with one rather aggressively sought after bottle of beer in your hand.
one bottle of aggressively sought after beer in your hand, aggressively sought after beer
take a sip, put in a dip
11- 1 ounce sips of beer left in your hand
11-1 ounce sips of beer in your hand, 11 sips of beer
take a sip, do a back flip
10-1 ounce sips of beer in your hand.
10-1 ounce guzzles of beer in your hand, 10 guzzles of beer
have her put on a muzzle, do a 3-D puzzle
9-1 ounce guzzles of beer in your hand.
9-1 ounce swigs of beer in your hand, 9 swigs of beer
book a gig, pull the trig,
8-1 ounce swigs of beer in your hand
8-1 ounce chugs of beer in your hand, 8 chugs of beer
smoke a nug, take a chug
7-1 ounce chugs of beer in your hand
7-1 ounce “trys” of beer in your hand, 7 “trys” of beer
I cant deny it, i want to “try” it
6-1 ounce “trys” of beer in your hand
6-1 ounce throw backs of beer in your hand, 6 throw backs of beer,
blow jobs in cadillacs, thumb tacks and ball sacks
5-1 ounce throwbacks of beer in your hand
5-1 ounce titty-o-ramas of beer in your hand, 5- titty-o-ramas of beer,
gram ‘em and get giddy my what nice titty, in my pajama im looking to slamma
4-1 ounce titty-o-ramas of beer in your hand
4-1 ounce enlarged vagina protrusions of beer in your hand, 4 EVP’s of beer
pardon the intrusion, im drunk with confusion
3-1 ounce enlarged vagina protrusions of beer in your hand
3-1 ounce “did she have the cap on when she shoved my beer with 3 ounces left up her twat” of beer in your hand, 3 twat covered ounces of beer
dont be a wussy, put your face in her pussy, theres beer in dem bots so call in the swat
2-1 ounce “did she have the cap on when she shoved my beer with 3 ounces left up her twat” of beer in your hand
2-1 ounce im drunk and want nachos and how did this bottle become a can and lets drive to vegas and pick up a bunch of drugs and prostitutes of beer in your hand, 2 Vegas nacho drunk and druggie prositutes of beer
snort it, contort it, play with your blubber and open that rubber
1-1 ounce im drunk and want nachos and how did this bottle become a can and lets drive to vegas and pick up a bunch of drugs and prostitutes of beer in your hand
1-1 ounce this is an ass sip. ass sips dont get songs.
Can I get a Receipt?
[ 3 Comments ] Posted by Terry Klytar on 11.27.07 under Holidays, Terry's Posts, Van Shopping, services
There are a lot of annoying mother fuckers out there.
Why fight the crowd?
I tried going to a mall once in December of ‘02 and after waiting about 9 minutes for some dude who looked like he just had a splendid time blowing some 11 year old to move his car from the only open spot in all of Minnesota, I wanted to just take that bright and shinny fuckers tinsel and tie him to the back of his mini-van and drag him around the parking lot and spread his Christmas joy. There is a better way to shop. If you happen to be an American like me who doesn’t like half naked fags spraying cologne on you when you pass them by or you just like your dairy in the form of cheese and not banana and crème flavored hydrogenated deer shit pellets served with a spork, I recommend acquiring the necessary items for the gift-giving season without going to a mall or any form of strip without the word club. It’s called Van shopping. And for those of you who just had your first Red Dog or
very approachable two-person van. Typical to lotions and addresses of rapists.
Products
Ill take the red rectangular one!
Drugs- Smoke it, snort it, shoot it, swallow it and wrap it in newspaper and gift it. Injections into your vein- present it with a candy cane. You suppose a suppository would make an awkward gift? Don’t be such an ass and present it with class. Theres another van out there for the glove and lube, just don’t wrap that syringe in the same box as the sledding tube. Put the X back in X-mas and make her jolly with some molly. This is the stereotype van product were talking here and you can simply do some stocking stuffers or take care of the whole family. If the drug exists, there is a van somewhere selling.
Don’t be alarmed- if your unsure what to look for in the driver, match the most extreme long-term symptoms of the drug(s) being offered to any symptoms the driver might be displaying. (i.e. this man appears to have small testicles and a large head, therefore continuing to purchase this “gym candy” is safe.)
Be alarmed- (i.e. this man appears to have small testicles and a large head, therefore continuing to purchase this stolen bathtub full of crystal meth and blow will probably get me into trouble. Kindly wave and proceed to next van.
Obvious Drug Van Identification- white/unmarked. Bonus notes: Rusting along the rims indicates high distance trafficking and a sure sign of the best local option for the drug being sought after.
in-van-tory
Alcohol- I get and give all of my beer and liquor from a reputable local van hot spot. If you have ever shared a brewski with me, your one step closer to being a seasoned van shopper than you even knew. Areas to target- parking lots adjacent to liquor stores in towns of less than 1,000 people and no major roads. Van Description- white/unmarked with visible evidence of liquor store label being sanded down and sprayed over with un-matching color in a case of the van driver having “used to work there, stole the van, and now has an inside source in the same store van was stolen from to provide stolen liquor for van inventory.”
Perhaps a Van Trap? Good fucking call.
Traps to look for- Newer unmarked refrigerated vans in busy highly populated liquor store parking lots with satellite communication devices are and will always be federal alcohol van sting operations. A refrigerated van is nice for a cold beer, but that’s the fucking point.
Dont be fooled, they are not supposed to look like this
Weapons/Ammo-
Look for bullet holes on the van protruding from the inside and don’t get shot. Its best that you visit a weapons and ammo van to equip yourself with weapons and ammo before ever approaching a weapons and ammo van, but that’s really fucked up, so I suggest visiting the Drug van, followed by the alcohol van followed by the stolen asian goods van for a fortune cookie and praying to fuck you say the right thing when you approach these typically all black, multiple passenger dealers in arms.
Sound- the quality of the sound need not matter, because any purchase relating to sound (speakers, amps, bose knock-offs, headphones etc.) falls in the category of re-vanning* Areas to target: Chain thrift-store parking lot exits and southern states frontage roads. Van Description: Black/unmarked, driver w/ passenger.
*Do not buy any sound producing items unless you have your own van. You will be re-selling such items from your own van immediately after purchase. The selling of sound from a van is comparable to a pyramid business scheme. Undoubtedly, the purchase of sound will fail to work in every way as all these products are made in Mexico by Mexicans of the lowest possible level of intelligence who were probably at one time working in the vans that sold meth(and trialed one too many times) But if you play your cards right and use the pay 900% less than asking price negotiation tactic, then you will be equipped to re-sell such product at a profit to provide you with better financial resources to van-shop
Van made and filled with Asians.
The Grab Bag The van is an extreme Japanese custom vehicle. The manufacturing and distribution are all contained in the van, as is a typical employee base of 9-15 asian workers. So don’t be surprised to see an asian kereokee bar suddenly come to life after one of these van crew shows up an deposits themselves onto the scene after a hard days work. The products range from disappearing schezwan sauce to double use condoms and the prices are next to nothing. You can try to wheel and deal with these non-english speaking vasian workers, but your best bet is to approach one of these flashy rides at a long stop light, throw a few coins through the passenger window and be ready to receive whatever they have to offer.
Candy No, just kidding. These are molesters
At least the CANDY tasted good.
Services
Sex in a van
Sex/Sexual Services – A lot of these same services are offered on craig’s list (see CLH) but when your looking for a mobile rig to get off in, no better place than getting extended in the back of a van.
Areas to avoid- poorly maintained or unpaved roads…Blow jobs on farm roads are not as Home and Country as you think they are, I have physical proof of one such encounter.
A Special 2 for 1- The Perfect Couples Romance- People in malls buying crap are so caught up in making the holidays about buying products, they forget there are a lot services that suffice as great gifts. One such service is what I call Transex. (fucking and trucking, but in a van) Not only do you get to fuck, but your gonna get somewhere. I Fucked my way to
My Favorite- The Vangina. Can be flagged for a lift and a quickie. Trolls around cave museum gift shops.
Youll know a hit-man-van when you see one
Hit-man- I cant tell you how helpful a quick drive to most AA meeting spots and Union hall parking lots have helped get my girlfriends to shut up about their now dead ex- boyfriends.
General Warnings- Don’t disclose this specific van service to anyone you plan on just boning a few times and hitting the road.
E-bay Listing Assistance- Who the fuck gives a fucking shit. But I did come across one once near a neighborhood sexual predators identification meeting.
Explanations
Driver (alone) – Driver is selling a less controversial or more dependable product that typically will not result in aggressive confrontation from buyer when buyer gets home and realizes product doesn’t work or is not as described and gets back in his car to hunt down van at spot of transaction. For the seasoned van shopper such as myself, the solo driver can also be a marketing ploy to suggest the quality of product or service is high when in fact the driver should be driving with faulty-product-passenger-reinforcement.
Would you trust these fucks?
Driver (with passenger) A. Driver is selling a controversial or faulty product that typically will result in aggressive confrontation from buyer-to-driver when buyer gets home and realizes product doesn’t work or is not as described and gets back in his car to hunt down van and dealer at or near spot of transaction. The extra passenger in this case is for reinforcement purposes and is armed. B. Passenger(s) is the service such as a van-sex operation, voyeur-van, fuck ‘n suck etc.
3 Additional Tips for Van Shopping
1. Don’t get in the van unless your are going to fuck or get blown by something or be fucked by something in it. Pleasure and travel purposes combined allow you to enter a van.
solid approach
2.Approach vans from inside a car, preferably at a slow moving speed. Converse and negotiate between van driver or passenger of van from within respective vehicles.
3. Yellow vans don’t sell pussy, they sell cardboard box openers.
HAPPY VAN SHOPPING!
What did i say?! No Refrigerators!
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The weird pizza in my oven
[ Post Comment ] Posted by Dicky Relifonic on 10.27.07 under Uncategorized
I know this guy. He likes weird Gifts from weird fuckers.
Feel the Love
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